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Children - Questions & Answers

Question:

Hello, I spoke with you during the course of my job as a customer service representative, at which time we spoke briefly about children and my role as a mother of a teenager. I really could use your advice on helping my sixteen year old son stay motivated as far as school. He is really motivated when it comes to teenage girls. Thank you, Mrs. S.

Response:

Dear Mrs. S.,

The teen years can be the most challenging for both the teen and the parent; he is trying to be independent but is more dependent than he thinks he is. You, on the other hand, want to let go somewhat but that is difficult and threatening. It is difficult to use logic with a teen, but if you can use it in terms he might be able to relate to, you may have a chance. He probably has some interests in addition to girls. You might try to discuss what the pursuit of his interests and goals entails in order for any real success or accomplishment to take place. In other words, no worthwhile girl wants to have a relationship with a guy who has no real future; who is a drop-out or a vegetable or a bum. Education is a tool for knowledge of all kinds. Knowledge is a key to power; power is a key to having more choices; more choices are a key to greater enjoyment. Without an education, a person fights an even greater uphill road to attaining a job and making enough money to be truly independent and autonomous. A teen needs to understand that part of being independent and “on his own” requires personal responsibility, and NOT a reliance on parents.

The job of children and teens is to go to school, make a reasonable effort to get an education, and at least graduate from high school. That is their job and responsibility to themselves and to society. After graduation and age eighteen, they can go in their chosen direction if they are willing to foot the bill. The real world says they can be held responsible for their own choices and pay their own way. If they choose further education so as to ultimately have more choices, if able, parents and student can create a joint venture to work together to pay for the cost of that education. I believe a student who wants to go to college should partially pay his own way and not expect his parents to foot the bill. If college is not the chosen path, then a full-time job is the appropriate alternative. Whatever your son WANTS out of life, the further he goes in getting formally educated, based on what our society expects, the better his chances of getting those things.

If he chooses to drop out of school, he will be “shooting himself in the foot”. He is your responsibility until he is eighteen. If he chooses to drop out or fail, he needs to then work full-time and pay room and board or some mutually agreed upon arrangement for being provided for. Try to see his world through his eyes if you can, and try to understand his hopes, fears, interests, and goals of any kind. Show him that you respect him as a person, and that you love him and want to protect him and his future. Try to work together at least until he can legally make his own way in the world, apart from you. I hope this helps in some way. There are no easy or short answers to these questions. Don’t hesitate to write again, Dennis

Follow-Up:

Dennis, I read your suggestions, and I found them quite helpful, its just hard to let go sometimes. I just want my little boy to grow up to be a productive member of society. I used your “no worthy woman wants a bum” approach and got his attention!! So, thank you again for your wonderful advice. I will keep in touch and wish us well on this new journey called adolescence, Mrs. S.

 

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Adult Children - Questions & Answers

Question:

Dear Dr. Pezzato,

I need some advice about a situation I have been living with for over four years, and I find it increasingly difficult to deal with. It involves my adult daughter. I am suffocating from lack of privacy, lack of time, and lack of money in my own home. I live with my husband (who is ill and on medication for depression), my elderly parent, my daughter, her husband, and their two young children. My son-in-law works on-and-off but has a drinking and gambling problem, so money is not always there to help with the bills. My daughter is finishing up on college and will have a master’s degree by summer or so. They owe us money and we mostly support them. I am struggling with all of this but I want to keep helping them; what do you think about my situation?

Mrs. Anonymous

Response:

Dear Mrs. A,

I cannot believe you haven’t made yourself ill by now; you must have a strong and stubborn will. I also think you are a glutton for punishment. The first suggestion I have for you and your daughter is to give your son-in-law a choice to either get into a treatment program within a week or move out within a week. Then I suggest your daughter put her education on hold and go get a full time job, go to night school part-time, and get an apartment as soon as possible. I’m sure you can help out quite a bit with the child-care during working and schooling hours. You need to focus your efforts on your own quality of life and health as well as that of your husband’s and your parent’s. Your daughter, although in an extremely difficult position in her own life, and that of her family, needs to be sensitive to her parents’ well-being. You and your husband should not have been enabling your son-in-law’s behavior. What message have you been sending him? You have been telling him that no matter how he treats his wife, his children, and his in-laws, you have and will continue to support him and His family. These adults need to stand on there own four feet. When you choose the behavior in life, you also choose the consequences for that behavior.

I certainly do not know all the details about this situation, so there may be some mitigating circumstances that require some modification of what I suggest. Having said that, I maintain that there needs to be a plan made NOW! Together with yourself, your husband, and your daughter, formulate a plan based upon what kind of a commitment your son-in-law is willing to make, and when. Your daughter needs to take the lead in this, supported (emotionally and physically) by you and your husband. This stage of this situation may be one of the most difficult things you have ever done but it must be done. Saying NO to our children can be heart-wrenching, but is frequently the best thing we can do for them. I hope this helps in some way, please keep me posted. I will pray for you all. D. Pezzato

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Question:

Dear Dr. Pezzato,

You recently came to speak to our Rotary Club luncheon where you gave a presentation on your book about adult children. I have a question I would like to ask on behalf of a friend of mine who has a twenty-seven year old daughter who is still living at home. The husband and wife (parents) disagree about what to do. One parent thinks the daughter should be on her own; the other parent is not sure, and wouldn’t know how to get her to go out on her own. The daughter is a college graduate and can’t find a suitable job. I think the parents give some financial support as well as letting her live at home for free. What advice can you give my friend? Thank you. And by the way, I really did enjoy what you had to say at the luncheon. A Rotary Club member.

Response:

Dear Rotarian,

I commend you and the Rotary Club for all the things the organization does to help in their respective communities. The question you pose points to a very common dilemma faced my many parents in this country. I will do my best to address the situation, given the limited amount of detailed information I have to work with. First, I will assume that the twenty-seven year old adult is not physically or developmentally challenged in any way; and that for all intents and purposes is healthy, capable, and normal.

I would like to suggest that mom and dad sit down and discuss what each other’s feelings are regarding this arrangement. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be empty-nesters, having privacy, not feeling as though you have to “parent”. By the same token, there is also nothing wrong with helping your adult child for a period of time if the reasons and the mutually agreed upon arrangements works for you all. Discuss YOUR wants, needs, and feelings; then try to come to a consensus together. After you’ve done this it is time to have a meeting (serious conversation with your lovely daughter.

Start out by asking her if she has any short, medium, or long term plans for her future. If so, what are they, and how do they affect mom and dad. If she has no plan, you should suggest that she make a plan and share that plan with you within a week. Once she has a plan, she needs to discuss her plan with you. You will want to listen respectfully and attentively to her plan. Once she has spoken her piece, it is time to speak yours. Let her known what mom and dad’s desires for mom and dad were prior to this meeting. If necessary you can let her know that the two of you need some time to consider her position before you can respond in a fair manner; set a date to talk again (a week or less).

If you choose to have your daughter live with you for a period of more than 30 days, I would advice a written agreement that address issues just as you would with any roommate; issues like rent, utilities, chores, cooking, guests, late hours, etc. Set a date for termination of the arrangement as well. If you choose not to have your daughter live with you, it would be wise to set a date for her to move out that is fair and reasonable, say 30 or 60 days. There may be certain kinds of help, assistance, or support agreed upon as part of this change, that is up to you.

The issue here is one of assuming one’s own role and responsibility as an ADULT! Parents should not want to enable their adult children who may not want to face up to their own responsibilities. Paving or paying your adult child’s way in the adult world is not really helping them. I hope this has helped in some way. It sounds as though your friend might benefit from reading my book. Best of luck to your friends.

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Question:

Hello Dennis,

I attended a talk you gave on your book about “Adult Children” and enjoyed your presentation very much, but I need help with understanding how best to deal with my adult son who usually does not want to hear advice form his dad and me. How do I stay involved in his life without feeling as though we are always being resented. You say we should never stop parenting but what if he seems to resent us when we try to be involved in his life. We were always so close when he was younger and growing up.

Response:

When I say that we should never stop parenting, I mean that we should always try to be part of our adult children’s lives insofar as they will have us. We need to parent in different ways at this stage of their lives than we did when we were raising them; we only got one chance at that, now it’s a different ball game. Too many parents tried to be their children’s best friends instead of being their “parents”; now, as they have entered adulthood is the time to parent less and be-friend more. The more you treat your adult child the way you would treat a close friend, the better your chances of having a satisfying adult relationship-think about that statement.

As parents of adults we need to continue to model adult roles, we need to continue to let them know that we want to “be there for them”. We did whatever we saw fit to do in helping prepare them for adulthood; now its time to let them be adults, regardless of whether it suits us or not. It is important to keep as close contact as works for both of you. If they don’t call or have contact with you as you would like, there is no reason why you can’t phone just to say “Hi, I just wanted to call to see how you are doing and to tell you I’ve been thinking about you, and that I love you”. By doing this you satisfy a need within yourself and you model thoughtful behavior at the same time. Respect the distance they create unless it causes you more sadness and anxiety than you can handle. Then just ask to sit down for a calm, respectful, and loving conversation about your problem. One of the toughest lessons we have to learn as parents of adults, is that they may not turn out to be exactly the kinds of adults we expected or were hoping for.

I know that you bought the book, so I encourage you to read and re-read all of the chapters that relate directly to your specific problem. If that does not help, then please write again, and together we can work on some different and/ or more strategies that may help you.

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Marriage - Questions & Answers

Question:

This question was actually asked by a college senior during a lecture I gave for a course in “The Theology of Marriage”. The student asked what I though about “living together”. I really did not give much of an answer, other than to give an odd facial _expression and a somewhat indifferent answer. I believe I said something to the effect of “I don’t really have a string opinion; it’s pretty much a personal thing”. Whatever I said, and however I sounded or appeared, one student criticized me in a subsequent written critique of my presentation.

The student felt that in response to the question, I “smirked and added a negative tone”, which bothered her because she and her boyfriend are planning to move-in together in the near future. She expected more of an explanation of my opinion, as well as pros and cons of the issue. In the response that follows I will attempt to provide an explanation of my opinions for and against a couple living together, as opposed to getting married.

Response:

First of all, allow me to apologize for failing to provide an adequate answer or response to the question stated above. By way of initial explanation, at the time this occurred in class, I was a little surprised and perhaps unprepared for the question. I had no internal thoughts which should have registered as a facial smirk; nor did I have any negative thoughts which may have elicited a negative tone of voice. At the time, I honestly had no strong opinion from a personal perspective. In hind sight, I should have taken a few moments (pushed my personal “hold button”) and considered my professional pro/ con assessment of that issue. That is what I will attempt to do now.

There is for many in this situation, a very practical side to living together. The financial cost savings can be attractive; the extra time spent together as a couple who don’t have to commute to each other’s separate residences; having a private place to spend alone time (not just for sex); the experience of living with another person who is a member of the opposite sex, and not just a roommate; and a sense for what it might be like to be married. These are just a few reasons living together might be attractive.

On the other hand, living together can never be the same as living married together because you simply are not married. A person’s psychological mindset is different. Based on social mores, definitions, and expectations, marriage carries with it both implicit and explicit commitments that living together may not.

Regardless of what one verbalizes, one knows deep down that it is far less cumbersome to split up with a partner after living together than after being married.

So much of what is best for the couple depends on the individuals involved; how secure does one feel with, and without the other; what kind of a commitment does each need or expect; what kind of a commitment is each person prepared to make. If commitment is at issue here, perhaps there are fears that motivate the decision. In the event of a break-up, the potential for emotional trauma can be just as great with living together as with being married. If there is a child involved, things can get very complicated with two single parents; and what about the child’s best interest?

I think the bottom line for me is this: If you want to move in together and play house, then just try to understand that you may not want your expectations to be too high. If you think you may want to marry this person, then get pre-marital counseling of some kind and read what experts have to say. Work at discovering what a complete commitment a marriage should be. Take another look at the book on marriage that I provided for your class. Work at preparing for yourself emotionally and intellectually for mutual ways to fulfill each others’ expectations for building a life together. I hope this response is more to your liking, and provides some food for thought. Thank you.

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How to submit a question:

Feel free to submit your questions and Dr. Pezzato will respond as soon as possible. Unless otherwise requested, your question and Dr. Pezzato's response will be posted on this web site without using names to protect your privacy. Keep in mind that any response is just one persons opinion and should not be interpreted as therapeutic intervention. Ask your question